Holly Poag, a Senior year student and reporter for the Carolina News and Reporter at the University of South Carolina, asked me questions regarding the mental health of stay at home moms.
Stay at home moms face loneliness link to the article:
I’m sharing my complete response to her questions in hopes that moms can find some hope in where they are in life.
As I only see women in my practice and the majority are moms, I have definitely seen many more young moms as clients since the pandemic began. I am at capacity and have not been open for new clients in quite awhile and I hear the same from other counselors. On a side note, as this is a university paper, it is worth noting that UofSC students are in dire need of counselors with availability. I see as many as I can but have to turn away inquiries weekly - which breaks my heart. Many of my thoughts and suggestions for moms can apply to college students.
In regard to how isolation affects our mental health, I believe we are made made for connection and, despite everyone needing some amount of time to themselves to recharge, the feeling of isolation can be overwhelming. For stay at home moms, it can be hard to find alone time and this can cause an increase in stress hormones and symptoms of distress can be seen physically and emotionally.
Stay-at-home moms often hear feedback from others that their work at home is easy and that working moms have an even tougher job in taking care of their children while also having a job outside of the home. I think both moms have challenges! As we are discussing stay-at-home moms I will mainly focus on their struggles. Common struggles are about finding other moms to spend time with that have compatible schedules, interests, personalities and ages of children.
Stay-at-home moms try to balance feeding, entertaining and providing nap times for their child or multiple children. They also need to grocery shop, care for her own body, meet her own wants and needs, and generally only have small children to talk to during the day. There are no co-workers or adults for support. Often their partner, if there is one, comes home and are tired themselves. This can make for long days for moms. The American culture promotes independence but this can foster loneliness when moms find themselves at home without helpful extended family nearby.
The first thing I would say to stay-at-home moms would be that you are gonna get through this. There is an old saying that the days are long, but the years go by fast. Ask yourself what would help you lift your mood or the load you are carrying. Some practical tips: get out of the house, go to a park and talk with other moms, get some sun on your skin and put your toes in the grass, walk every day, take naps when your kids do, wash at least one load of laundry a day so it does not pile up, eat enough protein, fat and carbs, and avoid the “Mommy Needs Wine” trap—it will just leave your body and mind depleted. Keep an eye out for mommy groups, book clubs, community or church activities. Know that there are other moms out there looking for the same thing - you are not alone!
Social media is a mixed blessing. I realize that not everyone likes hugs, but we need some amount of physical touch and social media cannot give us a hug. (For better or worse, moms with young children are probably touched more than enough by their little ones.) Thankfully a video call can provide a friendly face and help you not feel as alone. We are all unique and what works for one will not work for another - do not feel pressured to even be on social media if it does not leave you feeling better. On the flip side be aware of how seeing someone else’s life can leave you feeling worse. I am thankful to see the support you can find online in the form of positive posts, funny memes and the ability to message friends and family near and far. Just know what your limits are and be gentle with yourself.
Holly asked how a mother’s mental health affects children. I believe in Attachment Theory and a really brief explanation of this theory is that children need to form a strong emotional bond with a caregiver early in life for the child to be prepared for healthy relationships later in life. Dr. Edward Tronick’s “Still Face Experiment” is a video available on Youtube and it shows how a baby is positively affected by a mom that is smiling and engaged with the baby. When she is instructed to suddenly appear expressionless the baby was distressed over the mom’s vacant face. Babies and children pick up on the facial expressions, actions and moods of their moms. If a mom is feeling anxious or depressed or detached from her child, it would be beneficial to the child and the entire family if she seeks help. Do not feel ashamed. Being a parent can be the hardest job you have ever done.
Lastly, it is distressing to me to hear how many clients mention to their doctor that they feel anxious or depressed and are immediately prescribed a medication. Medication can absolutely be helpful to some but I encourage moms to consider what they could do before starting medication. Obviously I am a proponent of counseling and I have seen it benefit many women over the years. Along with tips mentioned above, there is research that yoga can be just as effective as an anti-depressant. Pilates can be amazingly helpful in calming the mind and body while working your muscles. Not getting restorative sleep can affect your mental health. Nutrient deficiency, especially low B and D vitamins, and low magnesium can be detrimental to healthy functioning. Satisfying connections with others can make or break your day. Look at these areas of your life and consider changes you can make that can make your days so much better.
Without giving away any identifying information, I recall several first sessions with overwhelmed moms. Their feedback to me was that they felt better just being able to talk about it and hear from me that they aren’t “crazy” and that their time at home with children IS hard and lonely. One particularly frazzled mom came back for a 2nd session and I almost didn’t recognize her. She looked calm and put together and she said she felt great! I asked her what helped her and she said, “I did what you told me to do - I take a nap everyday now.” We laughed and laughed and celebrated the power of a nap!
Which reminds me of my last tip that I believe originated from Alcoholics Anonymous - when you don’t know what to do, hold up your hand out in front of you like you are telling someone to STOP. Then say “H.A.L.T.” - ask yourself if you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. Then address that need, drink some water, and do the next right thing that can help you readjust your perspective.
I’ve been a stay at home mom, a graduate school mom and a working mom - each season has challenges but just trust the process and take it one day at a time. I realize that it’s annoying to hear “you’ll miss these days” from older folks…but you will probably be saying the same thing to a young mom one day. These often well meaning folks just don’t want you to have regrets about how you spent your time.
Finally - here’s a virtual hug and hang on to this cheer for you - You can do it! One moment at a time. Look around and find some joy in something, breathe and relax.